NEVER QUESTION GERMANY

Being half potatoe, half pasta myself, having a turko-bulgarian husband and a dog from Marzahn and after spending a decent time in Japan, life in Berlin is still a multicultural obstacle course for me. Nevertheless, I learned a lot from my humble expat friends – about Germany. I know I’m rude, weird, stubborn, dogmatic, close-minded and that’s what people with a fetish for teutonians appreciate about us. Earlier this year I warned you about the xenophobic potatoe hipster, but we agreed on being nice to each other from now on.

Here’s what I always wanted to tell you guys, wherever you come from.

Americans:
Don’t calculate your tips. Germans do it according to the sex appeal of the waiter. Tanktop = tiptop. And yes, I DO think it is unappropriate to talk to everyone like it is NOT the first time you meet. Berliners don’t smile, unless they went through a lot together.

Australians:
Yes, speed is like a fucking digit less expensive here, does it mean you have to take it all the time? Get rest.

Austrians:
We might speak the same language, but why does it sound so sexy when you talk?

Brits:
I’m not sure if you just made a joke or not, but I’m just gonna laugh about it. Nodding means I didn’t get what you said, but I’m in love with your accent.

Danish:
No need to mention that your beards are the hottest.

French:
If the Grande Nation is so fucking stylish, why do you come here? Paris is over and Berlin will be cooler until everybody is taking as much coke as a proper Parisian. (Your food is still better, though.)

Greeks:
Is it just me thinking all of you are hot?

Italians:
What is it about Italian techno that always gets me?

Spanish:
You’ve been bullied too much, but please try to speak a bit less (loud).

Swedes:
So, you came to Berlin to have the time of your life (a year of getting fucked up) and then go back? Bra. I still think you’re like the upgraded version of Germany (in the very best way it can sound).

Turks:
Don’t give the alamanci such a hard time, please. And – I know it’s not what you wanna hear – nothing bargainable here. NEVER. EVER. Tamam? Ok. Hadi gürüsürüz optum bye.

Portuguese:
We all like sausage, but yours taste so much better.

A last advice: NEVER QUESTION GERMANY (not even Germans get it). Thanks for making my life a never ending beautiful misunderstanding and I promise I will teach you more dirty words in German. Versprochen.

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