Being half potatoe, half pasta myself, having a turko-bulgarian husband and a dog from Marzahn and after spending a decent time in Japan, life in Berlin is still a multicultural obstacle course for me. Nevertheless, I learned a lot from my humble expat friends – about Germany. I know I’m rude, weird, stubborn, dogmatic, close-minded and that’s what people with a fetish for teutonians appreciate about us. Earlier this year I warned you about the xenophobic potatoe hipster, but we agreed on being nice to each other from now on.

Here’s what I always wanted to tell you guys, wherever you come from.

Don’t calculate your tips. Germans do it according to the sex appeal of the waiter. Tanktop = tiptop. And yes, I DO think it is unappropriate to talk to everyone like it is NOT the first time you meet. Berliners don’t smile, unless they went through a lot together.

Yes, speed is like a fucking digit less expensive here, does it mean you have to take it all the time? Get rest.

We might speak the same language, but why does it sound so sexy when you talk?

I’m not sure if you just made a joke or not, but I’m just gonna laugh about it. Nodding means I didn’t get what you said, but I’m in love with your accent.

No need to mention that your beards are the hottest.

If the Grande Nation is so fucking stylish, why do you come here? Paris is over and Berlin will be cooler until everybody is taking as much coke as a proper Parisian. (Your food is still better, though.)

Is it just me thinking all of you are hot?

What is it about Italian techno that always gets me?

You’ve been bullied too much, but please try to speak a bit less (loud).

So, you came to Berlin to have the time of your life (a year of getting fucked up) and then go back? Bra. I still think you’re like the upgraded version of Germany (in the very best way it can sound).

Don’t give the alamanci such a hard time, please. And – I know it’s not what you wanna hear – nothing bargainable here. NEVER. EVER. Tamam? Ok. Hadi gürüsürüz optum bye.

We all like sausage, but yours taste so much better.

A last advice: NEVER QUESTION GERMANY (not even Germans get it). Thanks for making my life a never ending beautiful misunderstanding and I promise I will teach you more dirty words in German. Versprochen.

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