The fag hag bestiary

Fag hags are, despite the fact that they went through popcultural mincing machine to become a cliche (as fags did and still do as well), the backbone of our humble gay life. But not every hag is alike, there are different types with different demands. A short bestiary of a gay man‘s best friend:

#1 The uni hag
She prefers to have one fag, but puts all her love into that one. The only way to broaden her fag-team is by fucking her fag, so she can host a whole couple in her big heart. Don‘t mess with her, just a serious fight can set you appart.

#2 The “gotta-catch‘em-all“-hag
This kind of hag looks like #3, but is more of a collector. She curates her fag collection less like a second Saatchi, but everyone is welcome in her big feast of gay proud meat.

#3 The swinger hag
She switches, swaps and exchanges fags with her friend-hags, don‘t mix her up with #2. She is a loyal fellow, as soon as you make it into her entourage. Maybe you just share a period of your life with her, but your friendship might also last forever. Never be jealous about new hags in her collection, be a good member of the harem. Don‘t expect her to give you as much attention as she did in the beginning of your friendship, but be thankful for every fag and hag you meet through this homo-socialista.

#4 The denying hag
Not sure about her status, but definitely into shopping and hanging out with you, this one is a rather raw version of the other hags. If you come across one of them, treat her nice, she‘s a virgin in gay life beyond sitcoms. She is a wonderful chance, hag dough so to say, you can turn into a hag according to your very own taste.

#5 The hipster hag
She comes along with a hipster fag. As common for hipsters: hard to describe, you know them when you see them, blabla. Cute couple, though (sharing clothes, having mismatching dip-dyed haircolours…)

#6 The dyke hag
After decades of trouble between gay men and lesbian women, the feminist in all of us has finally blossomed. Dyke-hags are great: you have so much in common! The struggle against societies stubborness, that overstays its welcome since 19th centuries homophobic ideology boost. And: she will never say a pathetic phrase like: „Oh no, I always fall for gay men!“

#7 The straight hag
Most probably this fellow identifies as straight male. Straight hags are a delightful and strong contribution to your life: they provide you with all the normatized masculinity you might think you lack of. Disguised as “best friend“, “buddy“ or “mate“ you share a lot of homo-social bonding with this penis having but not loving cutie.

#8 The homophobic hag
A mythological monster that no one has ever seen.

Keep in mind: a hug for the hag a day keeps the doctor away.

Image: Absolutely Faboulous

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